Working Out?

*Please use your imagination and work with me on the 'picturing' part of this post as I have not yet figured out why my computer has no drawing program.*


I am on a quest. I desire toned, shapely legs and a firmer back end. I've given up on my stomach due to the gestating-induced diastasis of my last pregnancy, and my arms and upper back are already fairly well toned from picking up at least one toddler nearly every day for the last eight and a half years. So I'm left with this.



(picture a well-toned top half and flabby bottom half here)



This does not agree with the mental version of my body.



(picture Jessica Rabbit here)



In an effort to make reality conform to fantasy, I have begun a workout devised from the pages of a magazine focusing on "GLUTES!", several exercises I found online, and one that my husband suggested, which I have morphed into some sort of lower-body fitness routine, since I can afford neither gym nor personal trainer.



First, I have begun "power-walking" every other day. The reason I walk is that I cannot run. Well, I can sprint like a rabid kangaroo on meth if one of my kids is in danger but beyond that, I'm basically worthless when it comes to running. The bouncing motion wreaks havoc on that lovely aforementioned diastasis and frankly, it hurts my boobs even when they're tightly encased in a sports bra and puts me at risk for a severe butt injury, as it flaps along behind me, out of control. (More on butt injuries later.) So I walk as fast as I can without passing out, all the while clenching my butt cheeks, since that is also recommended to "engage" those muscle groups. Since I live in what has become quite possibly the hottest spot on Earth this year, the outdoor temp reaches 90+ at roughly 6 am each day; thus, I try to get this ordeal out of the way as early as possible.



On the days that I don't walk, I do this mish-mash of a routine that I've slapped together. First, a few stretches - down, up, over, under, across, and whatever other directions I can contort myself into. One of the stretches involves sitting with one ankle crossed over the other knee and leaning forward until you "feel the burn" in the backs of your legs and your lower butt. This is to help prevent butt injury. Let's stop right there.



Butt injury? Really? It is possible to injure your butt? Doing what, exactly? I admit I'm not the foremost authority on anatomical injuries (that would be my sister, the med student, or as my mother would call her, the GOOD child) but I am hard-pressed to come up with a way that the butt could sustain injury unless someone hit you there with something hard and sharp. I suppose if you clench your butt tight enough for long enough and try to long-jump in that position, you could possibly pull a muscle, so for safety's sake, just in case I should ever feel insane enough to attempt such a stunt, I keep doing this stretch and it's variations (lying on the floor and standing on one leg.)



Then I grab my girlie weights and do squats with them, which is supposed to tone my shoulders and butt and legs, all at once. This is billed as "the only butt exercise you'll ever need!" In two weeks, this exercise alone promises to provide me with broader shoulders and shapelier derriere, thus leading to something resembling an hourglass figure, or in my mind, Jessica Rabbit.



(picture me as Jessica Rabbit here)



Then I do one-legged bridges, something called seesaw moves, a sideways bicycle move, and a move obviously stolen from yoga and simply re-named for the purpose, a bird-dog. These promise to tone my butt, thighs, the backs of my legs, and strengthen my lower back muscles.



Then I do something suggested by my husband, "kick-backs," which seems to be something he must have learned at boot camp for JAGs, designed to make you want to sue someone.



I finish with that seventh-level-of-hell move called the Lunge. I call it the seventh level of hell because it is the seventh thing I do and by that point my legs are exhaused and sore and ready to collapse. If I did the squats last, they would be the seventh level of hell. It doesn't really matter, so I just do one first and the other last. I use my girlie weights for both, mostly so my arms don't flail all over the place.



I'm a week and half into this "routine." I haven't noticed any change yet, other than the constant burn in my thighs every time I move them. Nearly all these exercises require 15 reps per set, and 2-3 sets per workout; I've finally worked up to the 15 reps, but one set of each is all I've been able to manage. By the time I get to the seventh level of hell move, the muscles in my thighs and the backs of my legs are collapsing with each rep. I keep inspecting my backside for progress but so far have achieved no results. After another week, however, I should have killer sexy thighs rivaling those of fitness models; judging by the constant throbbing in them, something must be getting a workout.



My husband is coming home in two weeks for a few days and says he'll be the judge of my progress. I laugh in the face of progress. If he dares tell me I've made none, my killer sexy thighs will take. him. out.



KA-POW!